A Guys guide to IF – Part 4 – the sexist truth

So you’re here…you’re sitting in front of your designated fertility god. You and your missus are finally meeting him face to face and you’re desperately relieved to find he doesn’t look the slightest bit Latin American, he’s not wearing a necklace made from the wrinkled genitalia of past patients…there’s no blood drenched altar in the corner of his consulting room…there’s no sign whatsoever of gruesome and inhuman acts…he’s just a normal, kind looking gent in a white coat who really wants to help you achieve your dream…phew.

It’s at this point that it becomes difficult for me to tell you how things are going to progress…there are too many variables, too many potential issues that you, your other half, or both of you could be experiencing for me to tell you how things will proceed from this point….so, instead of trying to do that, I’ll tell you some things that I do know…

Remember the first instalment of this guide…the post where I told you that the reason infertility was such an issue was all down to the female biological clock and their programmed need to have children? That if it wasn’t for this instinctual behaviour programmed into their psyche, that you wouldn’t be infertile – you’d just be childless. I told you it was all her fault that this is now the single biggest issue in your life – and will remain so until a suitable resolution is achieved…

Well, I’ve got news for you…not only is it the fault of the female in your life, the fact that it is now totally controlling every aspect of your life means nothing.

You’re not gonna get any sympathy, you’re not gonna get supportive messages from friends, family and colleagues who know about your situation. The chances are you’re not going to join a support group, join an infertility forum, start meeting other men struggling with IF on a regular basis for coffee and a chat. There’s this feeling that women suffer infertility and should get treatment, support and sympathy, but if it’s the guys fault, well, he’s just not man enough.

Because, not only is it their fault…everyone thinks it’s their issue…it’s a woman only problem…it’s like breast cancer…not many guys out there getting support for enduring that disease.

Now I know if you’re reading this and you’re a women, your eyes will be large saucer shapes displaying your horror at what I’ve just written, you’ll be taking in deep breathes in shock at the politically in-correctness of my claim, you’re preparing to flame me with unending angry messages, preparing to write to whoever you need to write to in order to have my blog taken down…but hear me out.

Firstly, this is a guys guide…so I’m talking to your other half…

Secondly…argue with this…

When women tell people they’re suffering with infertility, 9 times out of 10 they’ll get sympathy, a hug, a gentle pat on the back, sad bambi eyes as the person says something like “shame, that’s terrible, tell me all about it”…guys will get silence. The guy they’re telling will suddenly be unable to make eye contact, will fidget, and after about 10 seconds of excruciatingly uncomfortable silence, promptly start waffling on about their favourite sports team’s dismal performance this year. And that’s if they’re lucky!! If they’re unlucky, there’ll be comments about not being man enough, not doing it right, there’ll be offers from some bastard that he’ll take your wife somewhere and get her knocked up for you, but whatever happens, guys will look at him as if he’s somehow less of a man.

Joined any infertility forums? Many guys on there? The Cigar Room (or whatever they’ve named their guy zone – if they even have one) burning up the bandwidth with thousands of posts a day? Read many blogs? Found many guys out there talking about their battle with infertility? Nope, didn’t think so.

But that all pales into insignificance with the differences between the male and female experience when you get to talking about tests and treatment…

What do you think the general reaction would be if I suggested women actually enjoy having internal scans? They call it the ‘dildo cam’ after all…not many women own a dildo for something other than pleasure. How do you think it would go down if I asked someone on the forum if they enjoyed their examination, if they were looking forward to the stirrups? Not very well I’m sure…

But these same people who would be so horrified, will think nothing of asking the same question of a guy and his semen analysis. There’s nods and winks all round – even the nurses will have a joke. As if MSM (medically sanctioned masturbation) is somehow exciting and fun…like it’s nothing to be apprehensive about, nothing to be shy of, nothing to dread. There are snickers and smirks…next time your missus has a scan, as she comes out of the changing room afterwards, give her a nudge, and with a twinkle in your eye, ask her if she enjoyed that…and see what reaction you’ll get.

I bet it’s not a good one!

Ok, I hear some of you saying that at least with an SA, you’re generally alone, it’s just you and the sterile container, there’s no doctor prodding or poking you with phallic objects…and I get that…but that doesn’t mean us guys are looking forward to the next instalment of ‘shoot to win’.

I think a lot of women forget that for a guy to ejaculate, he has to be aroused…he has to be ‘up’ to the task at hand…The problem with this is that arousal is 90% mental and 10% blood flow…and I don’t know if any of them have been in the local andrology room of their clinic, but my experience is they’re hardly inspiring. Hell, one of the clinics in our town doesn’t even have a designated room – they make their male patients use the unisex toilet!!

Add to this the pressure of knowing what’s at stake, and that you’re going to be handing your not-so-sterile-anymore container over to someone who is then going to analyse the contents in minute detail…and then report back on their findings…like some dreadful school assignment that’s just destined to end in tears…and, if your wife is on a forum or writes a blog, she’s gonna be shouting the results from the roof top…and you just know if your count is good, your morphology will be bad, if your motility is high your quantity will be lacking…there’s bound to be something below par…because what you really need is another blow to your self-esteem!!

It’s like when you have to give your GP or nurse a urine sample…they’ve given you the container, but you’re never sure how much to hand back…you don’t want to have just a little slopping round the bottom, but will they look at you strangely if it’s filled to the brim, and what if it’s a really strong pee and smells…handing over your semen sample is like that, but amplified a million times. You take a look at the container before you unlock the door of the andrology room, desperately wishing sperm cells were big enough to be counted with the naked eye: are they deformed, are they moving, is there enough…I’m sure there was more in the container last time…damn, hope that’s not a bad sign…

Then you hand it over to the lab technician, desperately hoping they’re not going to hold it up to the light, peer in and say ‘is that all’ or something equally embarrassing.

And this is all before we get to any of the procedures…somehow no-one seems to consider any form of sperm extraction or aspiration or varicocele correction as a particularly big deal…it’s shrugged of with a snigger or two, some comment about walking like John Wayne while stifling a laugh…but any mention of the women procedures and there is sympathetic grimaces, descriptions of the correct uses of a heated beanbag, the best pain medication and well wishes for a speedy recovery.

And maybe this is all out fault. Maybe us guys have brought this down on ourselves…

As I’ve said previously, we have the sex drive and they have the mothering instinct…we are the unfeeling rocks and they are the ones with emotions. They’re the sensitive souls and we’re just insensitive.

Maybe this is why no one credits the concept that a guy might want kids just as much as his wife does. Very little thought is given to the emotional toll infertility may be taking on us. No one seems to think about the stress and the strain we may be going through…it’s like just because we’re not advertising it, it’s not there…and that’s why they can laugh at what we have to endure…hell, all we have to do is jerk off every now and again…and we probably even enjoy it…

Maybe this is why infertility is all about the woman…she’s the customer and you’re just a supplier in this equation…

We don’t talk about our feelings, our worries and concerns and as a result it’s like they’re not actually there. Maybe if we told them how scared we are of not having kids, of having a bad SA result, of the way the thought of a BFN keeps us awake at night, how seeing them in pain causes us more pain than the rest put together, then maybe, just maybe, everyone might start acknowledging that us guys are battling this infertility too.

Maybe if we spent a little less time keeping everything bottled up to protect our loved ones, they’d be able to see that we sometimes need support and encouragement too. If we were a little more open they might better understand that we have our good day’s and our bad day’s too, and that sometimes when we’re acting difficult, it’s because we’re also exhausted from being in the trenches fighting this battle, and it may help if we didn’t feel like we’re second class citizens in this sexist land of infertility.

~ by HopelesslyTTC on 04/08/2010.