Erections and Doctors – both unpredictable and a little worrying

Hi Jed/Jade.

Just thought I’d drop you a quick post…nothing earth shattering really, just shooting the breeze.

As you know, last Friday I went in to ‘hand-deliver’ (all puns absolutely intended) my latest semen sample for analysis. This is the third time I’ve used the clinic’s andrology room rather than ‘produce the sample’ at home and rush through at illegal speeds to get it to them in time…and it really doesn’t get any better with time! The magazines are the same (the original FHM swimsuit edition with Cleopatra hasn’t made its reappearance since my first visit, so, as I previously surmised, it’s probably on display in some museum somewhere – or Hugh Hefner’s secretly making use of the same clinic and swiped it for his own personal collection). At least this time, there was no sounds of the lady washing the tea-cups on the other side of the paper-thin internal wall.

I’ve discovered that Friday’s are very busy at the clinic…walked in the front door and saw the waiting room full to overflowing (and there were even two guys in there, which doesn’t seem to happen too often). But that didn’t stop the new improved thick-skinned I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-people-think-of-me from nonchalantly walking up to the receptionists and declaring that I was there for a repeat semen analysis – I’ve promised myself that I will never ever ever call it a ‘Test 1′ – it’s just so ridiculously pathetic and everyone in the reception room is there for fertility issues, practically 100% of any guys there will have had to provide a sample in their time (and if they haven’t the chances are that they will), and I’m pretty sure that the partners’ of most of the women there have had to as well…so who’re they trying to fool with the ‘Test 1’ rubbish??

The receptionist asked me to take a seat (which was about as likely as me falling pregnant with the number of people in the waiting area) and I didn’t even have time to open my backpack, take out my book and start reading before Hodges the White Coated Wonder sticks his head round the door, makes eye contact and calls my name. I grab my backpack and follow him to the lab where he turns around and looks at me expectantly, but I inform him that I will need to make use of the facilities in order to provide him with the goods – you’d think by now that he know’s I don’t come bearing gifts – the drive is just too long to get it there quickly enough…and when all you’re hoping for is one singular sperm cell, you can’t afford to take any chances. He gives me my sterile container and a pencil to note my particulars on the label on its’ side and I head off round the corner to lock myself in the stuffy little room with the big armchair.

It occurs to me that I haven’t seen Miss Gorgeous Lab Technician here since my first visit and I wonder if she’s moved on, working different shifts or whether they only use her for the nervous guys on their first visits to give them a little inspiration. Or maybe she got tired of dealing with red-faced guys awkwardly handing over their sample cups whilst trying not to make eye-contact. Who knows…

I won’t go into any details on the rest of the procedure, but after handing over my sample, I made my way over to the nurses station to get my next three months supply of drugs, needles, syringes and swabs. While I was waiting, I found myself sitting there with my mind wandering. I found myself thinking on a couple of things…still not earth shattering…but strange thoughts none-the-less and I’ll try and explain them.

The first thing I was thinking about was Pavlovian responses. With all the hormones being pumped into my body over the last 6 months, the body starts behaving slightly differently…not really within my control…Now, I’ve been to the clinic on 5 occasions and on the last 3 occasions I’ve ejaculated…and with the next two or three visits likely to be the same…Just how long will it take before my body starts unconsciously  re-acting whenever I get within 100 metres of the building…just thinking I may need to start wearing jeans or tight undies when visiting in the future rather than boxers and shorts…….

The second thing occurred to me as I looked down the passage and noticed the closed door to our FS’s office. When we met him 3 months ago, he’d read through our file and we were going over our situation, when he asked me the strangest question…he asked me how my testes compared in size to other guys… whatthefuck!! Are you kidding me??? How the bloody hell should I know??? I’m there with my wife of 11 years…I’m hetero-sexual…how the hell would I know what size other guy’s nuts are??? Honestly. And the really freakishly strange thing is…this is not the first time I’ve been asked this question by a medical professional……….what are these guys doing in their free-time??? What kind of parties are these people having in college??? They should be studying dammit, not fondling every other guy on campus!!! I mean honestly…if you’re a guy and you’re straight and you’re not a fertility specialist or urologist…how the hell are you going to know? It’s not like chins or ears…they’re not on display permanently for everyone to see and compare…and even when they’re on display, all you can see is scrotum, it’s not like you can actually tell by looking…The only way you can tell the size of a testicle is to feel it. And even if you could tell by looking…it’s probably a very good way to get beaten up – oggling other guys equipment in the gym changing room is pretty frowned upon…I mean take a quick peek in the sauna by all means, but a penetrating stare as you try and come up with the probable width and circumference is likely to end you up in hospital where someone is politely asking you if you’d like pain meds before they remove the dumbbell from your ass. I mean really!!

Q = Why have you got no male friends

A = They kept getting upset and freaked out when I asked if I could feel their balls

All this was going through my head after he’d asked me this question, and, at the time, the best I could do was to shrug my shoulders and squeak out that I had no idea. But it does make you look at these doctors and wonder what they do in their spare time, that’s for sure.

And that’s what I was thinking about as I waited for the nurse to gather the suitcase full of medications for the next three months worth of arse-numbing butt-bruising supplies. I told you it wasn’t earth shattering…but there you go.

Well, it’s date night tonight – thinking your mom and I are due a movie…dinner out and then a comedy to try and lift our spirits…so I better sign off and get some work done so that we can enjoy our evening together.

Miss you guys…wish you would hurry up and get here so I could talk to you in person (even if it’s in that squeaky nasal high-pitched talking-to-kiddies voice for the first little while).

~ by HopelesslyTTC on 25/02/2010.

13 Responses to “Erections and Doctors – both unpredictable and a little worrying”

  1. I really enjoy reading your posts and I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at this one!
    Hang in there 🙂

  2. Hopeless – you are hilarious! Flip – so impressed how you manage to maintain your sense of humour and keep us all entertained as well. Hang in there 🙂

  3. ha ha ha! Oh dear. Good for you, standing up for Test 1 to be called by it’s rightful name! I mean, infertile women eventually talk about all things vaginal as if they are talking about t-shirt sizes, why shouldn’t men be able to? And I do sincerely hope that Pavlovian response doesn’t take you by surprise one of these days!

  4. LMAO – it’s so refreshing to hear a guy’s take on this whole circus, I could hear my husbands voice while reading your post 🙂 Hope you get to meet your little one soon. Happy ICLW!

  5. It is great hearing a guy’s perspective on this. And even making me smile. Thanks!

  6. Oh H! You make me laugh! And cry!! I have to agree – SERIOUSLY dodgy question to be asked!!
    Hope you had a great date night!
    Take care!

  7. GL and I hope you get a few great swimmers. I love your humor in this crazy situation.

    DH has NOA, we’ve done the shots, surgeries and failed mTESE.


  8. You put such an interesting spin on MFI and I love reading your posts!

  9. OMG, you’re hilarious! My husband called it the “Dirty Old Man’s Room”. Apparently the pitiful state of those rooms is international. Maybe you should bring your own – ahem -“reading” material. Set up a movie on your Iphone? I’m so sorry.

  10. I’ve just found your blog via ICLW – I’m going to have to come back when it’s not crazy-late and read more, your situation sounds rather like ours.

  11. HAHA you are awesome. Er.. is good luck in order?

    ICLW #30

  12. OH My!!! You gave me a sile for the afternoon!


  13. Jed and/or Jade will be lucky to have a father who wanted them so much and jumped through humiliating and downright ridiculous hoops to have them. It’s great that you are doing date night. It really matters to give each other attention and TLC. Hope it was fun.
    Lisa (ICLW #15 Your Great Life)

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