Zero – it’s the new black

Well kids, you’re at least three months younger than I hoped you’d be…just got the results from the last SA…as expected, it’s a big fat zero. Like a piranha infested lake..no swimmers.

It’s amazing how the mind works…on a logical level, we KNEW there was no chance of this SA coming back with any other result. We KNEW that sperm takes 3 months to develop and we still need to allow my testes time to ‘wake up and smell the hormones’ before they even ramp up and start sending out the tadpoles. We KNEW the FS said this would take 9-12 months…but that doesn’t stop your heart from racing while on hold while the nurse pulls out your file…it doesn’t stop your ears from straining to pick up the inflection in her voice that will tell you the results before she’s even finished the first two words…it doesn’t stop your chest from constricting when you hear the horrible truth…it doesn’t stop your throat swelling up so much that you imagine you look like the python that’s swallowed the goat in one go, that feeling of a throat so lumpy it makes finishing the conversation with the sympathetic nurse feel like climbing Kilimanjaro…or your eyes welling up while your heart and mind sink. It’s that little bastard HOPE again…I’ve told you what I think of him before…and the little sod keeps hanging around!!

So, another 48 injections of Menopur and Pregnyl/Ovidrel over the next 3 months and then I get to go through this all over again…yippee.

Ask your mom about me and roller-coasters. I HATE them with a passion…it’s not the speed or the drops and turns, it’s the lack of control. I’m not a good passenger. I’m not good unless I’m driving, I need to be in control. Your mom laughs at me about being the worst passenger in the world. We once caught a bus from London to Scotland, I think, and I sat right behind the driver and watched the road all the way there, for the 8 hours or something we were on the road – I couldn’t relax, impossible to sleep. I did the same thing on a bus trip to and from Amsterdam. Sometimes I think I’d have a go at flying the aeroplane if they’d let me – anything not to be the idle passenger. And that’s the problem with this infertility malarkey – everyone refers to it as a “roller-coaster ride” or a “journey”…and it’s a pretty good description – but it doesn’t feel like I’m driving.

Now that I’ve got the results, I can admit to myself just how much I was hoping for a positive result this test…just 1 sperm cell would have been enough…hell, if they’d said there was 1 sperm cell we would have been over-the-moon. We would have been celebrating with champagne, dinner out, even a sneaky visit to Mothercare or Baby City. And, at the moment, the biggest reason I was so desperate for a positive result was for your mom. She’s taking so much strain at the moment, that I really wanted something positive to cheer her up. Something positive for her to think about rather than the horrible and sad thoughts that have been overwhelming her for the last 3 weeks. And on top of all that, she’s been so stressed at work for the last three or four months and the unplanned two weeks off really didn’t help matters at all. All I wanted was that little glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel, something for her to set her sights on, something to make her feel that it’ll be all right in the end, and that the end is near, or at least approaching.

And now, all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep – to run away from the reality of our situation. I want to wallow in self-pity for myself, your mom and the whole shitty unfairness of it all. I’ve got work piling up and I don’t want to do any of it.  I want to act like a self-indulgent teenager and sulk in my room, with all the curtains closed, laying in the dark with some sappy music turned up loud, shutting the whole world out. I want to shut reality out for a while, ignoring the need to meet work deadlines, bring in some money, do the household chores, cook dinner – I just want to shut down for a day or two, be totally absorbed by my needs, feelings and emotions.

As if on cue, it’s started raining. I think I’ll go stand out in the rain for a while – cool off and be melodramatic at the same time. I love standing or walking in the rain, feels so ‘with nature’. Perfect to clear the head for a little while and get over this little hiccup, get myself back together and in a place where I can offer your mom the love and support she needs at the moment. No time for self-pity, work demands some serious action over the next couple of weeks, and the more I bill, the less stress your mom will feel to maximise her billing, the more she’ll be able to relax and come to terms with all the emotions and anguish she’s dealing with after her mom’s death and the more time she’ll have to come to terms with her own disappointment with the latest SA results.

So, I have to look at this SA result in context –  we absolutely weren’t expecting a positive result, so we shouldn’t be upset by getting the result we were logically expecting. We need to change our perspective on this…we’ve gotta change how we perceive this result.

We’ve gotta look at it as a pretty good starting point – the result isn’t any worse than the previous three SA’s. Zero’s not so bad, Zero’s a pretty good starting point…as long as it changes in the future, because the only change we’re ever gonna see from this point will, by necessity, be an improvement, right.

So Zero’s our new friend… Zero’s a good thing… Zero – it’s the new black.

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 23/02/2010.

11 Responses to “Zero – it’s the new black”

  1. I don’t know what to say… So I’m just going to send you both a HUGE hug.
    xx

  2. I have being waiting with my breathe held in for your SA results.
    I am sad that it did not have the results hoped for….but, then, there is always next time..smile…enjoy your injections

    • Hey Bratty…I think Hopefully enjoys the injections just a little bit more than I do…POWER!! She loves having me naked and vulnerable – she’s a twisted women!! (But that’s why I married her!) 🙂 Cheers for the comments, and we’ll just have to focus on getting through the next three months and hope for better results from the next SA.

  3. Hopelessly and Hopefully – life is being so hard on you right now. I wish it was different BUT you have to stay on the wagon. Just from reading your blogs I can tell you ARE going to be the MOST AMAZING mom and dad one day and your babies are out there somewhere waiting to move in and turn your world inside out 🙂 I am rooting for you guys always and I really hope that the fan starts blowing the proverbial in another direction soonest! Wishing you both so much strength. Please be kind to yourselves 🙂

  4. Im so sorry for your ZERO! Keep up your letters they are awesome! ICLW!

  5. Wow. I’m so glad I came across your blog through ICLW. At the risk of repeating myself (not here of course being as it’s my first visit), it is always refreshing to find a male perspective infertility blog. That said, you blew me away. The few that are out there are…well, often rock like, when it comes to feelings. And then there is you.

    I’m so very sorry that you are having to deal with any of this. Truly. But, I appreciate wholeheartedly that you are putting yourself out there when so few do. And you write from the heart, and quite beautifully. My gut wrenched all the way through.

    I hope that you and your wife see the improvement you are looking for, that things turn around and you find your arms full of baby sooner rather than later.

    Best wishes!

    • All I can say is thanks for the kind comments. We will work our way through this and find a way of getting our happy ending (whatever that may look like). All the best for your hysteroscopy – I’ll be watching your blog for news. Take Care.

  6. Hope is tough. Can’t do without, but with can be seriously painful.

    It hadn’t occurred to me a man would see hope as a bastard – male. 🙂
    I’ve always thought of Hope as female.

    • Maybe it’s because I’d like to slap Hope senseless and you don’t hit girls…I’ve never really thought of it either – just know it can be a real swine – much easier to deal with a bad situation when you know that’s what it is…the minute Hope arrives, it all gets a lot more difficult and stressful…

  7. […] is how I am feeling over Hopelessly’s recent SA results.  For those that didn’t read his post with his results, it was another BFZ (Big Fat Zero!)  Yup no little swimmers, no lone […]

  8. This is an awesome post, which I know is distasteful to say about no sperm but you really have a wonderful way of writing about this. It helps me understand my husband so much more. I’m thinking about you both and really hoping/praying/crossing everything possible for a much better SA next time.

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