Out of the blue..

Hiya kids. I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I posted, but we’ve had a horrible time.

You see, your Granny committed suicide two weeks ago. Totally out of the blue.

We knew she’d been battling depression and Temporal Lobe Epilepsy (which causes very similar symptoms to someone who’s bi-polar) along with a long list of minor ailments for many years, but it really seemed like things were getting better for her. Your mom says she’s been struggling for more than 15 years, and I can honestly say that the visit this Christmas just gone, she seemed better than she has for the last 5 or 6 years at least. We really thought things were coming right for her…that there was light at the end of the tunnel..but I guess she didn’t feel the same way.

To cut a very long and sad story short, we got a call from your mom’s uncle on the Tuesday to say she hadn’t gone in to work and that her boss had called him to find out if he knew where she was – she wasn’t answering her phone at all.  He rushed round to her flat, and eventually smashed a window to get in…she was lying on the floor of her bedroom, dead. Seems things just got too much for her and she took a massive overdose of pills – heaven knows she was on enough medication. We flew up to Jo’burg immediately and have spent the last two weeks up there sorting out the funeral and cremation, passing on some of her belongings to the family members and the other people she loved, packing up the rest of her things, emptying out the flat we bought for her to live in, organising estate agents to get the place rented out asap, organising the cleaning and re-painting of the flat, etc etc etc…

Needless to say, your mom and I are absolutely wiped out, physically and emotionally. And to top it all off, when Nan and Granddad dropped us home from the airport on Sunday, we walked in and nearly fainted from the stench – Granddad had somehow managed to turn the plug trip switch off instead of the geyser trip switch…so the chest freezer and the fridge freezer had both defrosted…the smell of rotting meat was nauseatingly over-powering. Trying to save us a hundred rand in electric, ended up costing us around two thousand rands worth of meat…and the geyser stayed on as well…

So, it’s been a lousy two weeks!!

The hardest part for me has been seeing your mom so distressed and in so much pain. Although they never got on, your mom and her mom did really love each other. There’s been nothing I could say or do to make her feel better…all I could do was try and take as much responsibility as possible, to allow your mom the space and time to grieve and mourn without needing to worry about too many of the millions of details we’ve had to sort out. I hate seeing your mom hurting and it kills me when I feel like I can’t take the hurt away…all I can do is be there for her in whatever way she needs me to be.

It’s been hard for the family (especially your mom) to come to terms with the fact that Granny was so desperate she took her own life without calling someone, without talking to her only child or calling her brother who she adored. She left no note, so we’ll never know what was going through her mind – there’s a part of me that’s thankful there was no note, I sort of feel like it would only make matters worse by giving everyone a focus for their guilt, because that’s how everyone feels…guilty that they weren’t there for her, that they could have and should have done more for her, that we should have seen this coming…

But we didn’t…everyone keeps saying how much better she was doing…how much healthier she was looking after her holiday with us just a few short weeks ago…and how this came as such a shock. But the truth is, no-one really knows how she was doing, how she was feeling, what she was thinking…because she didn’t talk to anyone about it.

And for me, I think that’s the lesson for us in this whole sad situation…make sure there’s always someone you can talk to, someone you can open your heart to, pour out your soul, explain your feelings to…someone you can be completely honest with without the risk of being judged or ignored or dismissed. This lesson is something I will try to take to heart, and when you guys finally come along into our lives, I will try my utmost to always be there for you, to allow you to tell me things without exploding into fits of parental rage or anger. I know this won’t be easy, but I promise you I will try. I will try my very best to make sure you guys always know you can come to me and talk to me about any subject no matter how big or small, no matter how embarrassing or serious…and  that you know I will always love you and support you…because no-one should get to that place where they can contemplate taking their own life, especially when they’ve kept it so bottled up that for everyone else, it come completely out of the blue…

~ by HopelesslyTTC on 16/02/2010.

9 Responses to “Out of the blue..”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this. My very good friend’s mother committed suicide in October last year, it’s a really terrible thing to go through. Please don’t blame yourselves ever. It’s the last thing she wanted to happen, I’m sure. Hugs to you both.

  2. I’m really so very sorry about this loss. I have been thinking about you guys since your DW posted a few weeks ago. There is nothing that I can say that would offer comfort – just know that I am thinking of you guys.

  3. I am so so sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time.
    I send lots of love.

  4. Please send Hopefull all my love…my heart is very sore for you and your beautiful wife.

  5. Gosh, you poor things, what an awful thing to have to go through, these things always leave so many questions unanswered, don’t dwell on them and instead take care to remember the happy times, big hugs from the UK.

  6. Thanks guys for your messages and support. It’s not been an easy time and their relationship was such that there’s a lifetime of ‘history’ for my DW to work through before she can put the past to rest. Knowing she has people thinking of her will no doubt help. Thanks again.

  7. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.


  8. I’m sorry to hear about you loss.

  9. This breaks my heart, but I do love how you write and explain so well to your kids. How meaningful.

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