Hello Strangers…

It’s been almost a month since I last chatted to you guys…been a crazy time with me getting absolutely zero privacy to sit in front of the pc and talk to you two.

You see, I came to the conclusion that your mom has had the roughest year ever and that what she really needed was some good quality time with her family, to help lift her spirits. So we flew all her family down to Cape Town to be with us over the Christmas period. Pops and Granny (your mom’s parent’s in case you’ve forgotten the naming conventions) along with your mom’s half-sister arrived the week before Christmas, with her half brother, stepmom and stepmom’s boyfriend arriving on Christmas eve. As you can imagine, it was a pretty hectic houseful, with bodies/suitcases/clothes seemingly all over the place. Christmas was at our place and was the first time ever that all the members of both families were together – it was loud, funny and awesome. And, maybe most importantly, your mom seemed to enjoy almost every minute of it. So, mission accomplished…she seemed more happier and upbeat after a few days rest and time with her family than she has since early January 2009 – the point at which she realised she wanted you guys in our lives, and confronted the reality that it wasn’t going to be a straight-forward process.

The side-effect of all of this was people staying in the study, which meant my blog time was non-existent. It’s funny, we’ve told all of them about the fact that we’re trying to have kids, but I still didn’t want any of the family ‘catching’ me on the Fertilicare forum, or reading IF blogs, or, shock horror worst of the worst, actually typing a post to you guys. I suppose I’m not sure they’d understand how important being able to talk to you guys even before you’re here in the flesh has become to me. I don’t think any of your mom’s family (with the possible exception of her stepmom who is an awesome woman) has any concept of the hell, the heartache and the all-consuming journey we have undertaken…and I’m not sure I’m ready to bare my soul entirely to them just yet.

So, no pc time, and because your mom had to work a few of the days during the time everyone was here, I couldn’t even get any ‘me alone’ time…I don’t think I fully realised how quiet and settled my life is  until we had all these people in the house. I work from home alone, so am used to 5 days a week of no-one to talk to for 8 or 9 hours a day…what a difference having your mom’s family around…my ears felt abused within a few hours, and by the end of the first week, my hearing had practically shut down!!

I’ve spent the last few days with a large part of me looking forward to this morning – we took the last of the family to the airport last night. I woke up this morning and was overwhelmed with the silence – even the guinea-fowl who roost next door seemed to be holding their breath. I’d been fantasising for days now about waking up, walking around the house naked, sitting in front of the pc and catching up on all the hundreds of blog and forum posts that I’d missed over the holiday period, making coffee when I wanted to without discovering there was no milk left or no clean mugs, sitting on the patio savouring my breakfast while admiring my sparkling swimming pool, all the while revelling in the absence of noise – no conversation, no singing, no sound from the television that seems to have been on more in the last 3 weeks that the previous 12 months.

And the funny thing is…I did all this (along with a large amount to tidying up and a good few loads of laundry), but now it feels like something’s missing…go figure.

On a few occasions over the last few weeks, I’ve climbed into bed after a long loud day with the in-laws and secretly wondered to myself whether I’m ready to be a dad? Am I ready to lose my privacy? Am I ready to share your mom with anyone else? Am I really ready to change my life and priorities and routine. Am I ready for the million daily changes, the scenarios where someone else has put the TV on to watch something that seems to consist of mainly screaming and shouting when I want to sit in peace and quiet, where someone else has eaten the yoghurt I’d specifically saved for your mom, where someone else has decided to take a shower when I’m already in our shower – resulting in both of us having half the water pressure you need for a really decent shower…these and the 100 other silly little things that niggle at me when someone else other than your mom is staying in our house. And surely, with babies, young children, and then teenagers this is what we’re getting ourselves in for…not just for 3 weeks, but for decades!

But, I’m positive it’s different when it’s your own child versus someone else doing these things. Parents are so much more accommodating and understanding of their own children than of anyone else, so I’m positive we’ll adjust accordingly.

Now I don’t want you thinking I’m a grumpy git, but when you’ve been working from home for 3 years (the last 2 of those alone), you notice all these little things. They don’t annoy or upset me, but I do notice them even if only subconsciously. It builds gradually until subconscious awareness becomes a conscious awareness, until you finally get into bed one night and realise you’re looking forward to everyone being gone.

Well, now they have. Now we can get back to concentrating on filling these rooms with our own children, building our own family – with you guys. We can work towards bringing you guys into our lives, moving you from theory to reality, so we can get to know you, your minds and personalities, your quirks, your loves and hates. We can make all the necessary changes to our lives to ensure your comfort and happiness…and in doing all this, morph you from the strangers you are now into our precious children we cherish above all else.

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 08/01/2010.

One Response to “Hello Strangers…”

  1. Hello!

    My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss “veteran”. You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

    I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

    Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

    Best,
    Elisabeth

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