If you thought Rhinoceroses had thick skin…you haven’t checked out an Infertile

Hey kids, whatsup?

Well, it’s night two of what is looking like developing into a SNAIF run – lets hope there’s no night 3 or four!! But tonight, rather than just laying there mulling over what I could chat to you about, I decided to get up and leave your mom in peace (realised I was fidgeting and was disturbing her sleep anyway).

After this morning’s post, I had a brief email chat with your mom and she agreed that it was worthwhile booking in a semen analysis for the end of this week, so that the results will be ready for our next FS appointment next week. So that’s it…booked in for another round of medically sanctioned masturbation…yippee! Secretly its just a ploy to get to spend some quality time with Miss Gorgeous Lab Technician with her cute smile, white lab coat and quirky multi-coloured socks. It just occurs to me that someone should come up with a Sarcasm font, so that people reading a post of this nature can quickly and clearly see when you’re being sarky – would be useful to prevent being accused of being some sort of pervert! But crashing on…so, I’m off on Friday morning to masturbate in a small dingy room on the side of a lab, all alone…and the annoying thing is, that until then, I’m not even allowed to get in any practise sessions…not very sporting!!

Now you may find it strange that I’m announcing to the world that I have a set time and date where I will be performing an act that society at large seems to find offensive, or disturbing or unwholesome…but I don’t care…very few people (if any) reading this post are going to see me on Friday morning…and as a guy arriving at a fertility clinic on his own…anyone seeing me in the vague vicinity is going to have a fairly good idea of what I’m going to do, or have just done…and I still don’t care!! (this is where I need to insert a little emoticon sticking its tongue out, hands waving either side of the face, making those spitting farting noises!).

Jed, I’m going to let you in to the worst kept secret since Abraham was diddling Hagar (hey that even has an infertility connotation as Abraham’s wife, Sarah, was supposedly barren – not bad for gone midnight on night two of bugger all sleep)…all guys masturbate. All blokes indulge in slapping the salami, spanking the monkey, petting the one-eyed trouser snake, the 5 knuckle shuffle, jerking off…whatever you want to call it. How do I know this…let me tell you (even if you think it’s over-share). When I’m not on the Testosterone injections, my T levels are so far below normal, they’re practically zero. T is largely responsible for your libido. Even with virtually no T in my system and no discernible libido, I still masturbate – okay, it’s very occasionally, but still…so I can only imagine what the rest of the male population is doing.

And Jade, I can’t be 100% sure of this one as I’m not a girl, but I figure all girls do it too – I certainly don’t have first hand knowledge (excuse the pun), but follow my logic for a moment…women love chocolate, eating chocolate releases endorphins and dopamine in the pleasure-centres of the brain…just like when you orgasm…there are a lot of women out there who don’t weigh 150kgs…so they must be getting their pleasure kicks from an activity that burns calories, rather than adding them…I rest my case!

So, if everyone’s doing it, why do they deny it…why is it seen as unwholesome? I don’t know the answer to those ones I’m afraid. But what I can tell you is that I want you to be able to ask me or your mom anything you want to without feeling too shy or awkward to ask. I want us to be open and honest. I don’t see why we should be embarrassed about these sorts of things – its natural and everyone’s doing it.  I won’t purposely set out to embarrass you or pry or invade your own privacy, but I don’t want you to feel that there’s anything you can’t talk to us about.

I was a late developer (thanks to Paris Pituitary and her knock on effects) and I was too shy to chat to my folks about it. I waited years longer than I should have before I asked my mom to take me to the doctor (even then I wouldn’t tell her why I wanted to see him). And that delay in getting diagnosis and treatment could well be the reason I have as much chance of producing my own sperm as South Africa has of winning the world cup next year…being shy/embarrassed could be the real reason I’m infertile…and that sucks….BIG TIME! Just stop and think about that…my embarrassment 20 years ago could be the reason we’re going through this heartache and hell now…

So, if the only way I can make you guys feel comfortable talking to us about these sorts of things is to be open and frank about myself, then that’s what I’ll do. If I have to resort to talking about masturbation, my own body and it’s faults and quirks, then I’ll happily do that…and I don’t give a damn what anybody else thinks about it!

There’s even some fun to be had when you adopt this approach. Here’s just one example… The day of my last SA test, as I walked out of the fertility clinic, I decided that I wanted to pop in and visit with my best-friend-who-I’m-not-married-to…my other best friend – we’ll call him Scary Hairy cos that’s what some old colleagues of mine called him when they first saw him and I love the nickname. I wanted to tell him about what we’re going through. So I gave him a call to see if he was in (it was a week day, but he sort of works from home) and when he said he was, I told him to put the kettle on as I would be around shortly (he lives only a few km’s from the clinic which is miles away from our part of Cape Town). When he opened the door he asked me what I was doing in his neighbourhood and I calmly said as I walked passed him “The short answer is ‘masturbating into a cup’, but I’ll tell you the long answer once I’ve got that cup of coffee”…it was classic!

It was like that MasterCard advert…the cost of FS consultation: R200, petrol driving to the clinic: R80, Semen Analysis: R350, the look on your best friends face when you tell him about it: priceless!

So here’s something I’ve developed thanks to my infertility – I’m going to be thick-skinned on any and every topic (hell, I even found myself messaging SA collection tips to someone on the forum the other day – and you can only imagine the details that included!!). You name it, I’ll talk about it, and I’ll try to do so in a manner that takes some of the embarrassment out of it…just please promise me you’ll talk to us, rather than bottle things up…because you never know what the long term effects could be.

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 26/11/2009.

3 Responses to “If you thought Rhinoceroses had thick skin…you haven’t checked out an Infertile”

  1. *chuckle*
    I love the wit in your posts! My DH is one of those too embarrassed to do it at the clinic, he does the shuffle at home and then races to the clinic. I mean seriously – as you say, isn’t it bleedingly obvious what a man alone at an FS clinic is doing? Silly boy.
    xChopper1

  2. Very wonderful post! 🙂 I agree! We do become very thick skinned, its the nature of the exercise. My hubby also does it at home. I remember on our second IVF our cat nearly knocked the sperm tub off the kitchen counter. We were both pulling moves from the matrix to save it. (Ginger from FC)

  3. Cheers Chopper1/Ginger…you gotta laugh at this whole situation, or you’d spend your life in tears!!
    Maybe most guys ‘collect their sample’ at home – it might explain the dismal array of ‘inspirational material’ in the andrology room of our clinic… but we’re just that bit too far away from the clinic to be sure I got it to them timeously…although, Ginger, if my wife was offering to aid my collection on the kitchen counter, I might change my mind and sod the speeding fines!!

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