In need of a shower

So, I’m feeling a bit down again at the moment…it happens, it seems on an almost cyclical nature – whenever I don’t have enough work to do, I spend too much time thinking…and then I start to feel myself sinking. This isn’t helped by the silly weather we’re having – it’s supposed to be 32 degrees with no wind, blue skies and perfect ‘lounging by the pool’ weather – instead it’s peeing down, blowing a gale and there’s an iceberg in the pool big enough to sink the Titanic…global warming?!?! They should rename it “Global absolutely-stuffing-the-seasons-up-so-completely-that-you’ve-got-sod-all-chance-of-predicting-the-weather” – that would be a little more accurate me thinks!!

I’m in a strange mood tonight…I spent a few hours at Aunty Kay’s today, visiting her and your cousin JL who’s 6 weeks old. For once my timing was spot on – I arrived just at feeding time, so I got to give her bottle, then burp her (a good few times), mop up the spit, and then sit with her on my shoulder as she fell asleep. I hunkered down in the couch and we sat there for a couple of hours, the three of us dozing (when the poxy dogs weren’t waking us barking at the birds, the wind, the kids next door, people passing in the street, or the phantoms their silly canine minds seem to create whenever they haven’t barked at something for 10 minutes). JL slept on my shoulder, woke and finished her bottle, burped again, dribbled a lot and then kept me occupied by smiling occasionally at the silly faces and noises I was making.

Now I’m not gifted with a good sense of smell…in fact, my nose is pretty much there just for ornamentation purposes – it has a few uses: it stops my thick bushy eyebrows from being mistaken for a moustache…it prevents my eyes from being able to look at each other… it’s something to rest my sunglasses or reading glasses on, it stops the mucus from just oozing out of my face if i have a cold…it’s not really there for smelling things…but here I sit in the office and all I can smell is ‘baby’. There’s a  definite smell and it’s rather pleasant, but as I sit here writing this post while playing three-way email tennis with a work colleague and a client, I can feel myself spiral downwards into a shitty sad sulky mood…I want this smell on my clothes from my baby…not someone else’s little one!

Your mom and I have always had slightly different views on when kids are ‘at their best’….your mom has always loved the baby stage, and said that kids are at their best from birth till they can start answering back. I’ve always disagreed with her, saying kids come into their own when you can start having conversations with them, teaching them things, answering the millions and gazillions of questions, seeing the amazement in their eyes as they see things that seem wonderful and exciting…babies just drink, poo, dribble and cry….but I may be coming round to your mom’s point of view…I’m starting to see the attraction of this little bundle of dribble, the expressions on the chubby little face, the way they looking into your eyes as you hold the bottle, unconsciously holding your fingers with their tiny hands. The way they rest their head on your shoulder and the blinks start getting longer until they’re snoring softly into your neck, their little hand tightly holding the neck of your shirt, making little snuffling sounds in their sleep. There’s something precious about the way they look around, occasionally losing control of their neck muscles resulting in the lurch that 9 times out of 10 leaves you with a sore lip and wondering if the famous ‘Glasgow kiss’ or ‘Hillbrow Headbutt’ is actually a form of human instinctive behaviour.

They have this perfectly soft and delicate skin, these cute little outfits, bright shiny toys and the ability to drool like they’re sponsored. And, as I discovered today, there’s this smell…I don’t know which one it is, but it must be one of the many baby care products that gives it to them, as I’m sure the only 100% natural smells coming from a baby are the two revolving around the sour milk burp and the even less appealing nappy filler! Whatever it is, it’s awesome…so clean and cute and cuddly – who would have thought that a smell could make you think that…maybe Ego or some other deodorant manufacturer needs to come out with a new flavour – Baby Smell – bound to work wonders on the broody/motherly type of women…I can almost see the adverts now…although it quickly descends into breastfeeding and man-size nappies which is not somewhere your mind really wants to wander…so maybe not…although, a bed-bath, copious amounts of nappy-rash cream being liberally applied by a buxom wench…ahhh…lets stop there!!!

So, I’m back to feeling like I did a few weeks ago, I really want to visit Aunty Kay and be around JL as much as possible for the short period of time she’s this tiny bundle of babyness – she’s going to be such a big part of our lives, I want to be there to see it all…but then there’s this ugly part of me deep down that wants to be anywhere else but there – it makes me terribly sad and jealous – I want it to be my child that’s puking on my clean shirt, my baby relying on me to feed and clean them, my kid looking around because it’s recognising mommy’s voice and wants to see where she is. I want to be the one worrying about putting money aside for an education fund, decorating and re-decorating the nursery/kids room as they progress through each new favourite theme, looking for mom’s-and-tots groups, pre-schools, primary schools, sports clubs, etc, etc, etc …and then I start to resent the fact that my younger sister and her husband (who can’t even afford to support themselves – nevermind a baby) are the one who are parents. It’s a shitty feeling to resent someone else’s happiness…especially when it’s a close family member, but that’s how I feel sometimes…and I don’t like myself when I do.

So, I think I’m going to head to bed, take these baby-smelling clothes off, stick them in the wash (maybe I should boil-wash them to ensure I’ve got all the smell out), and sulk myself to sleep…I would hop in the shower as well, but that’ll make your mom all suspicious…she’ll be faking a head-ache, complaining of back-ache, telling me stories of what a busy day she has tomorrow – all before I’ve finished drying myself and I don’t need to put her through that…

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 11/11/2009.

One Response to “In need of a shower”

  1. awww. Babies do that that certain smell. You can’t really put a finger on it, but my neice one time said it is the smell of love. I am sorry you are going through this- it is so very tough.

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