DIY TESE…not for the faint hearted!!

Hi Guys,

Well, it’s been a digital age since I last posted…been having a sort of internal battle about the whole blogging experience…why am I blogging, what should I be blogging about, should I care if anyone else reads it or comments, how often should I be blogging, should I stick to my current blog style, etc, etc, etc… The net result is that I haven’t posted for a while, but I’ll post about my thoughts and conclusions on this internal discussion the very moment I have any conclusions…I promise that Jed & Jade, you’ll be the first to know…well, other than me, your mom, anyone else who reads my blog before you are conceived, born, grown up, taught how to read, and finally shown these blog posts……….

So, a few weeks ago now, shortly after my last post, was my birthday. We got taken out to dinner by Nan & Granddad on the Wednesday evening. Went to one of our favourite restaurants on the outskirts of Durbanville. Lovely food as always! Had a very pleasant evening with us, them and Aunty Kay and Uncle M as well as your cousin who was perfectly behaved considering it was her first dinner out at the tender age of 16 days old. We were last there exactly a year ago, but were a lot more reserved on our last visit, because although it was my birthday, my nan, your great-grandmother, had just passed away a few weeks before and I received a birthday card from her at the birthday dinner table…your nan takes after her mother in so many ways – preparing birthday cards months in advance is just one of the many traits and habits she inherited from my nan.

The Thursday morning (the day of my birthday), mom didn’t have to  go in as early as normal, so got to sit in bed and have coffee and a chat with her before she left for work. I then decided to spoil myself and had a very lazy and decadent start to the morning by sitting in bed drinking a couple more cups of coffee, reading my book…felt like such a treat on a weekday! Then it was off to the hardware store (I’m busy kitting out my workshop to make it a workshop/hobby room and Nan & Granddad gave me a heap of vouchers for the local hardware store)…I was like a kid in a candy store! I wondered round for a couple of hours looking at this and that, picking things up and reading the packaging, deciding whether this or that was something I wanted to spend my vouchers on…it was superb. As you know, I’m a gadget/machinery/tool freak – I love all those sorts of things, so really enjoyed myself extremely.

Then it was back home to finish packing – we flew off to Joburg that evening as we were arranging a surprise birthday party for Pops. He’s had a lousy year, so we all decided to throw him a big fancy dress party for his 59th  birthday. Your mom contacted lots of his old cronies, we got photographs of him through the years scanned in and set up as a rolling presentation, we bought hamburgers (which we spent much of Saturday afternoon braaing) and ordered in slap chips from the local fish and chip shop.

We decorated Chrissies house with home-made paintings of Elvis, James Dean, the Beatles and Marilyn Munroe which we’d made by painting onto white sheets with fabric paint.

We also stuck loads of old record album covers all over the place (in case you couldn’t guess, the theme was 50’s/60’s).

We managed to confuse Pops entirely – he had no idea, he was clueless, and when he eventually arrived, he was stunned speechless – which you know is saying something cos he’s never been quite for more than 3 consecutive seconds in his life!!!

We’d hired costumes for Pops (you know he thinks the world stopped turning when Elvis died) – we’d hired a white spangly catsuit with the cape (with the big glittery “E” belt buckle and the big gold sunglasses) which we made him put on after his arrival, and also had a prisoner outfit (for his obsession with Jailhouse Rock) in case the first outfit didn’t fit him. And typical Pops, he enjoyed being the centre of attention so much, he put on the second outfit halfway through the night, so he could make a second grand entrance!!

It was an awesome party, everyone made an effort on their costumes, we had a good mix of music, with lots of dancing in the early part of the evening…it was great!

In fact the only downside, was the fact that we spent the weekend staying in your uncles bachelor flat attached to the main house, and besides the fact that his bed is only 5 foot long and the duvet is only 4 foot (while I’m 6 foot 2″) the main problem was that his toilet seat is well and truly broken…buggered…knackered….kaput! Yup, right there in the front of the seat, cracked all the way through…every-time I sat down on that seat I broke out into a cold sweat…and if you didn’t sit down 100% squarely, one side of the seat would snap down leaving the wicked jagged edges of the other side sticking up in the air…right there, slap bang in front of my todger and the family jewels (even though we’re still awaiting the jeweller’s evaluation as to whether they’re actually worth anything, we’ll still refer to them as the “family jewels”!!).

It was nerve-wracking like nothing I’ve ever experienced…my matric finals, my driving test, proposing to your mother, scuba diving with sharks – all were as nothing compared to the increased heart-rate, panicky breathing, grimacing face and sweaty palms that this toilet seat evoked!! And to make matters worse, with my dodgey knee and the fact that the toilet is designed for midgets in the first place, getting up from the toilet seat was never accomplished with sufficient elegance to prevent the seat snapping like an underfed piranha or a rabid crocodile, just at the moment you’re leaning forward to get sufficient momentum to get the blasted legs to straighten!

On more than one occasion I felt sure I was going to be the first man recorded performing a DIY TESE even if it was accidentally, without the necessary anaesthetic, and using a toilet seat rather than a surgical scalpel!! I tell you what…it may have only been the day after turning 35, but after living through that experience for five days, I certainly felt a lot older than I had at the beginning of the week!!!

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 27/10/2009.

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