Hurry up and wait!

I’m not sure whether the heading for this post applies to the outcome of our last Fertility Specialist appointment, or to the length of time since my last post. I seem to be apologising regularly for the length of time between posts, but I’ve got a good excuse this time! You see, I’m fairly new to this ‘blogging’ thing and this week have been confronted with a new question that I wasn’t sure how to answer. I wanted to post straight after we got back from our FS appointment, but hesitated, because I wasn’t sure I wanted your mom to be reading what I was thinking. I was ready to splash out all my thoughts and emotions (which at the time weren’t pretty) but worried about saying it because I know your mom reads this blog religiously…and I was pretty miffed with her at the time!

So, I tried to post about something else, but every time I’ve sat down to type a post this last week, I find I’m back in that place wanting to say what I wanted to say, but not sure whether it was a wise move to say it…so I didn’t post anything. Each time I started typing a post about something else, it felt wrong and maybe even a bit dishonest… I promised myself when I started this blog to you two, that I was going to be open and frank, honest and plain-spoken, never avoiding the difficult or embarrassing subjects. And so, I sit here this morning and have decided that if I don’t post what I was going to post, then I might as well stop right now…and I’ll deal with the consequences, because I know your mom really loves me and I know that she knows that she is my everything.

So here goes….(fingers crossed)!

We had our meeting with the FS last week Tuesday…and the news we got wasn’t good news, but it wasn’t altogether bad news either…just bloody frustrating news!

My T levels dropped between the blood test 2 weeks into the month of injections and the one from last Monday (from 208 to 148 of whatever they measure the poxy stuff in). However, the FS reckons we should give my body more time. The body’s endocrine system (that part of the body to do with hormones) works with what are called negative feedback loops. This means that a particular gland will secrete a specific hormone, and this hormone has an effect on some part of the body. When the gland see’s this effect happening, it stops producing the hormone. Only when the effect drops will it start producing the hormone again.

There’s a good description on Wikipedia. Here’s a shortened/edited version of the example they use to explain negative feedback:

A good example of negative feedback is the hormone insulin. Insulin is a hormone that is made and released by the pancreas. When you eat glucose, it goes from your stomach to the blood. The amount of glucose in the blood goes up. The pancreas sees this high glucose level. It makes insulin and releases it into the blood. Then the insulin goes through the whole body and tells cells to take glucose out of the blood.  When cells take up glucose from the blood this makes the glucose level go down. The pancreas sees this and stops making insulin.

The problem with this is that with my issue (Secondary Hypogonadism), my Pituitary gland has not been producing LH (amongst other things), which is the hormone that stimulates the testes to produce testosterone. The easiest way to treat this is actually to treat the symptoms of low/no T by simply injecting T into my body. I’ve been on these T injections for so long (over 10 years), that my body will have actually been suppressing the natural production of its own T (because of the negative feedback process) for all this time. This coupled with the fact that we don’t know exactly how developed I am, means that it could well take a lot longer for my bodies receptors to ‘wake up’ to the fact that there is now LH  in my bloodstream (something that hasn’t been there for we don’t know how long) and kick start the cells responsible into producing my own T (something they haven’t even been trying to do for all those years).

So there we were, sitting in the FS’s office waiting for the results from the blood test and he says to us that we should continue with this treatment for a few more months to see what happens. I could see the logic in this even though I was devastatingly disappointed with the outcome. Your mom and I were hoping that we were going to get a Yes or No result from the month of injections and the blood tests.  We’d steeled ourselves to either possibility: either a Yes, it’s worth trying to get my body to produce sperm, or No, no chance, time to look for our Zorro.

I was very sad, disappointed and fighting back the tears. Your mom though was angry! She gave the FS an earful for leading us to believe that the month of injections was going to give us the Yes/No. That we’d spent this whole month preparing ourselves to either take on a year of new injections to try and get me to produce sperm, or to immediately start down the donor sperm route. We’d had long conversations about the decisions/outcomes, we were nervous, we were scared, but we thought we were going to have a result and a decision one way or the other…and now he was saying we should keep at this for another 3 months before we should make a decision. She was red in the face, tearful and pissed off in the extreme (and who can blame her really).

But here’s the crunch – I was upset because we didn’t have our decision, but at least it wasn’t a ‘No’. At least we haven’t given up on the possibility of me having my own biological children. The chances are still slim to buggerall, but there’s still a chance. But what really bothered me the most, was the overwhelming feeling that your mom would have preferred a ‘No’ result. She wouldn’t have been happy, but she would have been much happier if the FS had said that there was no chance for me and that we should move straight on to donor sperm. She would have been happier knowing she may well be pregnant in a couple of months with AID (artificial insemination with donor sperm), than giving it a few more months to wait and see…and that cut me badly. I can understand how she felt in the heat of the moment, but I wanted to curl up into a ball and weep more because of her reaction than because of the result.

We’d arrived at the clinic in separate cars and I was so grateful for that. I know your mom better than anyone else. I know that she wanted to rant and rave, to cry, to shout and scream, to curse the gods because of the results…but all I wanted to do was sit quietly, to think, to sulk even, but most of all to analyse your mom’s reaction and convince myself that it was just the heat of the moment, that having my biological children is as important to her as it is to me, that she didn’t really want the result to be a No so that she could hurry up and be pregnant. I was so thankful for the traffic on the drive home…it gave me quiet time. I could see your mom was talking to someone on the phone, I could see she was crying, and for the first time in my life, I was glad that she was talking to someone else! Because I felt so hurt that for the first time ever, I didn’t want to comfort her and be the rock for her, to stroke her hair and tell her everything was gonna be alright, I didn’t want to suppress my pain to make sure she didn’t see it so that she would feel better. I was thankful there was someone else she could vent to, that we were in different cars, because I felt like I was bleeding, I was hurting so badly, and I didn’t want her there. I just wanted to be alone.

And that’s the first time since I met her well over 15 years ago, that I didn’t want to be near her…and that scared me even more.

I know there are people out there facing huge problems, issues, diseases and death, facing issues worse than the ones we’re dealing with. But this Infertility is a nasty bastard that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

So after all the stress, anxiety, nerves, whatever, the result of the FS appointment is the decision to stay on the Pregnyl injections 3 times a week for another three months. The POA is to keep taking the shots and have a blood test each month. This way, we should be able to see if the body does start responding or whether it just does the Kamikaze pilot routine and continues to nosedive.

So, much like my infrequent blog posts of late, effectively it’s ‘hurry up and wait’ time…

~ by HopelesslyTTC on 05/10/2009.

8 Responses to “Hurry up and wait!”

  1. I hear you. But remember that our late thirties are like dog years for us females – 3 months is a few swift steps towards being a fertility geriatric. It’s a shitty place for both of you to be, but don’t forget that you’re on the same side.

  2. When you are in the thick of it, it is so much easier to see things from your own point of view and it is hard to consider your partner – there have been so many days when I have just seen it from my point of view. I can totally relate to your wife – a month of waiting is enough to make you want to jump off a bridge – and then to be told to wait longer – it is just such a slap in the face -I am sure you were both crawling to the finish line aka the appointment with the FS and then it was all taken away. The stress is a killer and I am sure your wife wants nothing more than to be the mother of your biological children, but in that moment she was probably just so desperate for a final answer – the backwards and forwards is enough to make one crazy!!! I wish you both tons of love and I wish I had amazing advice that could rock your world – but I don’t. Just keep hanging on!!!

  3. I have had many moments similar to your wife’s – where I crave an answer so badly that I’m even willing to settle for any consolation prize.

    I was fighting the DS case violently with my dh at the beginning of the year, but since passing that phase of desperation am far more willing to face the wait for HIS child rather and risk the damages time will do to my quickly failing ovaries.

    This whole infertility thing does enough damage without you investing too much emotion into a moment of desperation – rather just give your wife her moment, as I’m sure you’ll expect her to do when you have yours.

  4. I just wonder how we would all survive this if we didn’t have each other to share it with…just hang in there and don’t forget to laugh!

  5. […] So Hopelessly says to me he really hasn’t been blogging lately and he just can’t get back into it. He says he blogs for himself, it’s not about the readers, but having readers helps him to keep blogging, only now it feels as though his readers ganged up on him a little and he feels hen-pecked (actually I’m paraphrasing totally, but it’s the just of what he said). And I knew straight away this was about his last blog post. […]

  6. OMG!!!

    So hard to get perspective on “the other side”. And there I was trying not to be too touchy-feely ‘cos blokes don’t like that.

    Hopelessly, I’m sorry. You posted about an issue that’s obviously very raw, and didn’t get much in the way of support.

    For what it’s worth, as the “problematic” half of our own equation, I do feel your pain, although our situations are not nearly the same.

    I know you’re expecting more results today and I’m thinking of both of you.

    Sorry again for getting it so wrong.

  7. SOME of your pain, not all of it! Aaargh, this is why I don’t blog! Can I start over?

    • Hi Gwen,
      cheers for the comments…lol…you made me laugh…I read Hopefully’s blog post and think it makes it sound more pathetic/sad than it really is…I didn’t have a problem with anyone’s comments…it just got me thinking about why I blog…I don’t feel like I need lots of gushing sympathetic comments telling me to ‘be strong’ or not to worry cos ‘its all part of god’s mysterious plan’…or the flip side where there are no readers and no comments…this blog is for me, my gorgeous wife and our someday-kids…I suppose I’m just at that point in this blogging thing where I need to decide if I want to keep blogging, if I do – whether I want to keep it open or make it more private, or whether I want to take it off-line entirely…
      I think the thing that makes the decision harder for me is that there are so few guys blogging about this TTC thang that I have this (conceited I’m sure) feeling that reading my blog may help other guys figure things out for themselves or (more likely) help their other halves to understand a little of what their hubbies may be feeling…
      At the moment, it feels like the main purpose of this blogging is that’s its the most effective way I’ve found to get me to analyse my thoughts/feelings and it’s become another way of communicating with Hopefully.
      So, please don’t feel that your comments weren’t appreciated/appropriate…I’m big enough and ugly enough to appreciate where you’re coming from and it’s all good!!!

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