9.5 from the East German judge

Hi Kids,

I have to apologise for not posting for a few days…a number of factors – the main ones being lots of work on at the moment (that whooshing sound is the sound of a couple of deadlines rapidly approaching!), and the fact that I’ve been feeling a bit down – and didn’t want to post all deep and negative.

But, it’s Friday now and that means only one thing…(well, actually a few things)…Friday braai night at nan & granddad’s followed by the rest of the weekend!! Oh and South Africa’s last game in this years Tri-Nations against the All Blacks promises to be a humdinger!! So feeling a bit better about things today (it helps knocking two of the work items off the list!!)

The reason I’ve been feeling down for the last few days is a negative feeling about these injections I’ve been on…you know, the pregnyl LH shots 3 times a week. Well, it’s been five shots so far and what’s worrying me is that there are no discernable effects…in fact, just the opposite.

One of the side-affects of low testosterone is lethargy, lack of energy…that old saying about my ‘get-up-and-go got-up-and-went’…well mine pissed off and doesn’t seem like it’s coming back anytime soon!

Earlier this week, I had a couple of days where getting out of bed seemed like a titanic struggle…the one night I slept for over 10 hours and still struggled to wake up..and this has got me wondering if my T levels are back to practically zero…This is not a good sign!!…my body is supposed to be responding to these shots and producing its own T, okay, maybe not as much as other blokes…but some. And this has got me down…lower than a snakes armpit! If these injections don’t get any reaction from my testes, then there’s no point in trying the FSH injections to try and get them to generate sperm…and that’s the end of that…..

I told your mom the other evening that I was struggling to find the energy to get out of bed…she looked at me and burst into tears. I felt so dreadful! She’s been doing so well since we first met with the FS, she’s been almost back to her old self…and here she was, big brown eyes wide open looking at me as they welled up with tears…and my heart broke and it made me so sad all over again. It also made me angry. I hate my body and look what the bloody thing’s doing to my gorgeous wife.

One of my many nick-names for your mom (and I’m not sure if you’ve heard me use it) is ‘raisin’. She’s my raisin. Not because she’s an old wrinkled grape, but because she’s my Raison d’être – my reason for being.

If I can borrow shamelessly from Barry white: She’s my Sun, my Moon, my guiding star, She’s the first, she’s the last, my everything…and look what I’m doing to her…I know it’s not on purpose, but every time she cries, I feel shitty, it’s my fault and my job is to protect her, not be the cause of the pain…so, I’ve not been in a good place for a few days.

I gave it some thought and I’ve always said that you choose how you feel…so it was time for me to stop moping around and choose to feel better about things. I decided that you’ve ‘Gotta look on the bright side’! It’s essential to a healthy life.

This takes a bit of work, specially when you have a tendency to be a miserable git sometimes, but I’m trying.

So, I’ve been examining some of my clouds trying to decide what their silver linings are…hmmm…not so easy really! this is what I came up with:

  • I’ve been working from home for almost three years feeling lonely and isolated
    • I get to lay in most mornings till 8 o’clock
    • the best commute in the world – the 5 steps from the bedroom to the office
    • In Summer, I can hop in the pool 23 times a day without it being a problem
    • I can work in my slippers and dressing-gown or butt-naked if I want
  • Being a fat bastard
    • I could eat less and do some excercise…hang on…is that a silver lining or a cure/POA…if I did do some of this, the chances are I’d lose weight quickly (as there’s so much to lose!!)
    • Making my way through large crowds is not frightening
    • I can eat lots, because people expect someone who looks like me to never stop eating…this means bigger portions of cake or any other good stuff going round
    • I seldom worry about being beaten up
  • We’re struggling to make ends meet
    • This is because we’re now running three households – so if the other two ever sort themselves out, we’ll be loaded!
    • I can’t be tempted to take up cocaine or some other expensive drug or hobby – I couldn’t afford to feed the habit, so there’s no temptation
    • We’ve got a good excuse why we can’t go visit your mother’s family in JNB every other month
  • Being infertile – producing no sperm of my own…what’s the silver lining? I came up with a couple, but not sure they’re silver really – more off-grey!
    • I shouldn’t have to ever worry about condoms/contraception – haha very funny when your wife wants to fall pregnant!!!
    • I won’t ever have to endure the discomfort of a vasectomy (grasping at straws here me thinks)
    • I’ll never be kidnapped by aliens to father a race of human servants (actually not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing – always fancied being kidnapped by aliens – never imagined I could just marry into it!!)

And then I came up with the one and only real benefit to being infertile…ever since my last semen analysis, I get to cuddle your mom after sex. This may seem a bit odd, but it’s true. For the last 7 months (since she decided she wanted a baby), your mom took to doing head-stands straight after sex. Or she’d lay down the wrong way in the bed, with her legs up the wall…letting gravity help ‘the good stuff’ to get to her eggs she told me…seriously, it was becoming inconvenient/irritating/off-putting…have a great ‘session’, climax, ejaculate and she’s off – standing on her head before my eyeballs have even rolled back to front & centre…no slow sensual cuddle, no hang about for ’round two’, no nothing – just hop off and emulate a fruit bat hanging upside down.

But since the results of the last SA, where the results came back as a big fat zero…it’s been back to old times…she’s realised there is no ‘good stuff’…nice!! Cuddles, stroking, caressing, laying with her head resting on my chest as I tickle her back – awesome! I know I definitely prefer it this way, and there’s a part of me that’s sure your mom prefers it this way too, even though it’s a real sign of the issues we’re having with infertility.

In fact, I think the only one who’s missing the rapid dismount and acrobatics, might be the East German judge in the corner. I never saw him, but if I did, I’m sure he would have been nodding in approval at some of the manoeuvres your mother managed – dismount with a full pike straight into a double twisting backwards somersault ending in the perfect headstand – she nailed that one!… 9.5 from the East German judge.

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 11/09/2009.

4 Responses to “9.5 from the East German judge”

  1. Keep your hopes up Hopeless 🙂 It aint over til the fat lady sings and although it is gut wrenching, soul destroying, slit your wrists, jump off a bridge awful if you don’t get the result you are hoping for – at least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering. We had hope until the biopsy and that came back a big fat zero and at least we know 100%. As always I wish both of you the strength to face what comes your way and I pray that it is a positive result.

  2. Hey hopeless – just re-read my comment and didn’t mean for it to be a downer so I hope it wasn’t 🙂 was just wanting to say that no matter how difficult the outcome – it is always better to know for sure what you are dealing with 🙂 and then you can plan and move forward from there. You still have hope and don’t give that up 🙂

    • Hi Lost Girl,
      I didn’t read your comment as a downer – just the reality of how we have to deal with infertility – like a maze – you keep going down the most promising looking path till you reach a dead-end, then look around, decide on the next best option and follow that path to see where it takes you…not a downer…just life (and seems more the case when you’re battling infertility)!
      My DW is one of those people who wants to know everything, all the facts, the percentages, the options, etc. Unfortunately, sometimes I prefer the ostrich approach, but am slowly learning that having my head in the sand doesn’t produce results…just lets me coast along in neutral – which isn’t going to get things sorted.
      Always great to get your comments, thanks

  3. Hey Hopeless – glad my comment was not a downer – sometimes you can’t sugar coat the emotions that come with infertility!!! It seems like the path we are walking is very similar in many ways…We have started the donor insemination process or IUI (as I believe it is called these days!!!) Had my 10 day scan today and I have 3 little eggs (no ovulation stimulation will just get the trigger shot – because Murphy’s a bastard and I am 100% fine) Here’s hoping one of them responds – hoping I have chosen the Ryk Neetling of the sperm world!!! Your DW sounds like me 🙂 It’s nice to have the facts – gives a false sense of control – hahaha 🙂 It is crazy to think I could be pregnant by Monday – although – and this is for your DW coz she likes the facts – the average is three attempts. Of course I am not telling God my plans in case he laughs 🙂

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