Why the nerves??

Hi guys.

This is it!!…the start of the next phase of our journey to conceive…your mom’s picking up the Pregnyl meds from the fertility clinic this afternoon, and this evening, gives me the first shot…

I’m strangely nervous…and No, before you think I’m a wimp, it’s not because all the women complain that this shot stings…I’m nervous, because this is the first step in the latest POA…I really want it to deliver results quickly and I want the results to be overwhelming…I want my testes to become a medical marvel, with doctors all over the world reading about them in white papers and medical journals…I want them to become the mega testosterone manufacturing machine that will indicate that they will definitely respond well to the FSH injections…and that I will produce sperm…and that I will produce enough to allow us to try IUI (or, crazy I know…trying to conceive naturally)…and that this will work!! And that’s a lot to ask…so I’m nervous.

But, I think I’m nervous for other reasons (and I’m sorry if this qualifies as ‘over-share’ but it helps me to talk about it and maybe helps your mom to understand me a bit better).

You see,  I have to come off the Sustanon injections while we’re trying this out, and stay off them if it works.

One of the side affects of hypogonadism is a lack of libido due to the lack of testosterone. I’m gonna break in here and decide to call testosterone “T” as typing the whole word out each time is becoming a pain in the arse!!

This lack of libido wasn’t an issue when your mom and I first started dating/living together…it was all new and exciting (and she was HOT) and I didn’t need T to fancy your mom big time…then we got married and things settled down into a comfortable routine…we were intimate and loved each other madly, but sex just didn’t really enter into things – don’t get me wrong…when we had it it was great…we just didn’t have it all that often. It has always seemed strange to me that loads of people who meet us for the first time ask us if we’re newlyweds. When we were travelling in Central America for a year in 2003, practically everyone asked us if we were on honeymoon (and we’d been married for 5 years by then!). We hardly ever had sex yet everyone thinks we’re newlyweds – peculiar!

I went through a number of courses of T injections while we lived in the UK, and they had some affect on this lack of libido, but nothing earth shattering. Then we moved back to South Africa and after two years here (and over three years without Sustanon) your mom dropped the bombshell on me that she wanted a baby. This knocked me over with shock for all the reasons you know about. But, after a bit of time spent talking about it, I agreed to go back to the doctor and go back on the injections.

This South African Sustanon packs a punch!! I don’t know why, but this course of injections has had a profound affect on me! And it’s been awesome… I feel like we’ve really been missing something for the last 10 years. When you really love someone, sex isn’t just about physical need, it’s about connecting on another level, it’s sharing intimacy, it may sound corny but it really is ‘making love’. We find ourselves holding hands again, not when we’re out and about walking (we’ve always done that), but just sitting watching the telly…sitting on different couches but still holding hands, wanting to touch each other, going out on Date Night (this is something we will keep doing once you guys are on the scene – so you better get used to the idea of spending one evening a week with your nan or a babysitter!). It’s like all this sex has reconnected our intimacy…it’s weird.

And now it feels like this was missing in the past – not that we weren’t intimate, or that we felt there was something missing at the time, but sitting here now, looking back, it seems like there was something missing. And I don’t want to go back there.  I think that’s what worries me the most about this POA – giving up the injections and risking us sliding back to how we were…

Now your mom will say that I should look on the bright side – if this Pregnyl injection works, my body should start producing its’ own T, so there shouldn’t be a problem…but I’m not sure about this…producing T and producing ENOUGH T is a different matter!

I’m very confused about the measurement of T (I’ll have to spend some more time researching it on the web)…I’ve had loads of blood tests, but have never really come to terms with the measurement side of things…For example, before going back on the injections this year, the doctor took a blood test to see what my current levels were…the way he described the results, ‘normal’ was a measurement of between 150 and 500 (of whatever the measurement units were)…and my level after 3 years without the shots was 18…so pretty damn low that’s for sure! So I went on the injections and we had to do a series of bloodtests to settle on the correct spacing of the shots to manage the dosage (at one time the bloodtest came back saying I was at 1200!!! so a little over-medicated at that time!).

But now, the FS has taken a blood test to work as a baseline to enable us to see if the LH is working and they’ve told me that ‘normal’ is 11-28 (of whatever they’re measuring and in whatever units they’re measuring it in) and I was measured at 7.5 – so, already well below normal just three weeks after the last injection. Quite frankly, the lower my ‘normal’ is, the better – because it will be easier to see if my body responds to the LH and starts kicking out its own T.

So that’s a huge reason why I’m nervous about these new shots. As much as these last few months have been stressful and the hardest 7 months of our marriage, it’s also been very special and I don’t want to lose that.

And then there’s the whole HOPE issue again…are we just letting hope in…only to be disappointed in a month’s time (although I guarantee you that if the results aren’t good in a month’s time, we’ll give it another month to be sure)!

But, I’ll ignore my nerves and take my shots like a good boy (cos your mom said so…and you don’t mess with her when her mind’s made up!!)…because, at the end of the day, we want you guys and will do whatever we have to to get you – even if it means giving up sex!! (go figure?!?)

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 01/09/2009.

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