HOPE: just another four letter word

Hi Jade. Howzit Jed.

What’s new and exciting?

From my side, I’m on the roller-coaster ride from hell!! (and if you ask your mom, she’ll tell you that I HATE roller-coasters with a vengeance at the best of times). You see, I dropped The Pituitary Foundation an email a couple of days ago and have been having an email conversation with a very helpful person on their helpline (well, I suppose you want them to be helpful if that’s what you’re calling it) called Pat. I gave Pat a very brief description of my situation and just wanted to know if they had any statistics or anecdotal evidence on the likelihood of the gonadotrophin treatment option working, and how long I’d need to be on them to find out if it is working. You see, we’re thinking about giving it a go, instead of going straight to the donor sperm option, but daily injections for a whole year with no idea if it’s working (or even what the odds are of it working before we start)…seems crazy.

Pat spoke to some of the medics who work for or assist with the charity and they came back saying things that have started getting me excited. They’ve said that you cannot tell the chances of the treatment working beforehand. But what they have said, is that the answer is to go on HCG injections (predominantly LH which is the hormone that stimulates testosterone production in the testes) for about four to six weeks. If the testes respond, they will start producing testosterone and this can be measured. This will tell us if the testes are sufficiently developed and are responding to the LH (or whether they’re as lazy as Paris Pituitary). If they do respond, then there’s a chance they will respond to Menopur injections (which includes FSH – the hormone that actually stimulates sperm production in the testes). If they’re fast asleep to the LH, then the chances are that they’ll snooze through the FSH, so no point trying……

So, you see, this is a potential manner to tell within 4-6 weeks whether there is some glimmer of hope of my body producing it’s own sperm and thus opening the door to us possibly having you guys without the need for Zorro…(see how many if’s and but’s there are lurking in there!!)

Time for a little story. People figured out long ago that some people are much stronger than others, mentally I’m talking about. This seems obvious, but it caused problems when trying to ‘break’ captives during wartime…there were some people who just didn’t break, no matter what you said or did to them. But some twisted bright-spark figured out how to do it…they setup a false escape. They’d do something like leave a door open ‘accidentally-on-purpose’, or fail to lock the cell properly, or in some cases, create an elaborate rescue plan with someone breaking the poor unsuspecting prisoner out, whatever, the method didn’t matter as long as it was believable. What was important, was to make sure the prisoner believed they could escape. Then the truly wicked bit – they nab them just as they thought they were free…this never failed.

You see, these people could cope when there was no option, when they were locked up and knew they were stuck, but the minute there was a bit of HOPE, they let their mental defense down and when they were ‘caught’ again, they cracked…this is what hope does to you. It isn’t this fluffy friendly thing that sees you through the hard times, it’s this spiky evil twisted thing searching for a way through your defenses so that it can totally annihilate you.

When I ‘knew’ that I could never have children of my own, I learned to cope with it. It took me a few years to come to terms with it, but I did, and that was that…life moved on. I convinced myself that I didn’t want kids, maybe the worst case of sour grapes ever, but that was that. End of story. Case Closed.

This was still the case in some respects when we did the two SA’s recently – as much as I was totally gutted when they came back as big fat zero’s, I had no reason to hope that they wouldn’t (other than that teensy weensy voice deep down – the same one that makes me buy a lottery ticket every now and again).

But now things have changed. I’ve spent the last 7 months overcoming my sour grapes mindset and finally got to the point where I could admit that I DO WANT KIDS – and quite desperately at that.

Now everythings different…and on top of that, these emails from the Foundation…and there it is…that four letter word…HOPE…it’s hovering there, just below the surface, lurking like Jaws, ready to launch itself out and grab me like a hapless seal in False Bay. It’s opening me up to being totally devastated again, it’s leaving the prison door slightly ajar…I can see it, but do I let myself believe, do I hope…not because I don’t want to have you guys using my own genetic material, but can I survive the crushing blow when the hand comes out the dark and says “where do you think you’re going”… that’s what scares me more than anything.

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~ by HopelesslyTTC on 26/08/2009.

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